New and Improved Facebook Pokes

Had to share this from CollegeHumor.com...enjoy!

Facebook needs to add more suggestive and explicit ways to reach out and touch the people you stalk nightly. Here are a few that you should expect to be able to use sometime soon:

Flash



Ladies, showing someone your Facebook titties means absolutely nothing, it’s just like smiling at someone in the hall when you make awkward eye contact. This gesture would just suggest that you’re confident and proud of your body, and you’re telling the world that by doing some Facebook Flashes. And do not even try and pretend to be embarrassed, I saw you girls over Spring Break. After two shots, you were taking naked body shots on the bar with your roommate while being broadcasted on the club’s big screen. Classy girls…classy.

Massage Crotch



No more guessing whether or not that girl with the dyke-hair in your women studies class has been looking at you or the redhead that sits behind you. She can now clearly express her intentions all the while giving you a Facebook Erection (which BTW is the best kind of erection.) This new and improved “poke” let’s you know for a fact who wants your balls and what girls are just trying to be cute with an immature and cock-teasing poke.

Bitch Slap



We all know how much Facebook needs to include the almighty and magically bitch slap; it would instantly become the exclamation point of the poke world. There is no better way to assert dominance over someone in the dog-eat-dog digital world that is Facebook than a five-finger smack across the face. It would be the best way to handle those douche bags that send you those fucking chain letters and a nice, clear way to welcome that Oh-So-Trendy Lit. Professor that just joined Facebook to “stay in touch campus crazes.”

Booty-Call



Now the great thing about this new poke is that it delivers your intent clearly and obnoxiously. It just says, “Hey, you’re neither cool enough nor important enough to take on a date, or even chat online with really, but how bout some harmless drunken sex?” I mean who could say no to something like that? I know that I could never turn down such an honest and sincere request for oral sex.

Teabag



When you teabag someone in the real world, their soul and entire being for that matter, belongs to you. So the same holds true in Facebook. Sliding your cyber-sack over a buddy’s face is the only way to demonstrate to them how much their friendship means to you. It tells them that they are so important to you that you want to be responsible for their very Facebook soul. And hey, if you’re going to get teabagged, it’s better to have it done by a true friend that you yourself confirmed. For sure.

Money Shot



This Facebook gesture would be the ultimate way to communicate your tender feelings of love to that super cutie in your Chem. Lab while at the same time showing off your sensitive side. Every girl worth while knows that nothing says “I Love You” like a nice warm super soaker spray of liquid passion to the face… right ladies? Although this upgraded poke is intended to impart feelings of love and commitment, sadly I think that it will no doubt be used mainly by Frat guys that find it funny. They would share load after load with one another, back and forth, not understanding why the only things they find amusing are always homoerotic. They will then disregard this thought, pop their cyan-colored collar, and click [Blast Back?]